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Mar 26, 2020

Being Supportive During Times of Grief

Losing a loved one is one of life’s most difficult experiences, yet one that all of us must eventually face. It can be equally difficult to be the friend of someone who is grieving—you want to help but are afraid of intruding, saying the wrong thing or making the person feel even worse. Often times, friends feel there’s nothing they can do to make things any better for those coping with a loss. It is true that you cannot take away the pain, but you certainly can provide comfort and support. Just letting your loved ones know that you care and that you are ready, willing and able to do what is needed can make the difference in someone’s outlook. We offer some practical advice on how to help someone who is grieving. I wasn’t able to attend the funeral. Is it OK to visit several days later? Bereavement is a long process. The healing provided by family and friends is not just limited to the immediate funeral services. Our lives have become so busy that not everyone is able to attend the services, but don’t let that stop you from making time to visit later on. Call ahead to make sure that it’s a convenient time. Be considerate and limit the length of your visit. How do I know if they want visitors or just want to be alone? The best way to know is to simply ask if they would like visitors. When inquiring about a visit, let them know that you understand this can be a difficult time and you want be considerate of their needs. Reassure them that it’s OK to say no. If they are not up for visitors now, call periodically to offer to visit. If they continually decline your offers, respectfully accept this. Don’t be pushy. What should I say to them? It is common to feel awkward when trying to comfort someone who is grieving. Many people do not know what to say or do. The American Cancer Society offers these suggestions to use as a guideline when struggling with how to start that difficult conversation.

  •    Acknowledge the situation.
  •    Express your concern.
  •    Be genuine in your communication and don't hide your feelings
  •    Ask how he or she feels, and don't assume you know how the bereaved person feels on any given day.


Are there things I should avoid talking about?
While you should never force someone to talk about anything that makes them uncomfortable, remember that it is important for the bereaved to talk about their loved one and remember them to others. The best thing you can to is to be a compassionate listener. Let the grieving person talk about how their loved one died. Acknowledge their feelings and offer reassurance without minimizing their loss. Most importantly, be willing to sit with them in silence.

I’ve offered to help, but they haven’t asked for assistance. What should I do?
Remember that people don’t always like to ask for help; especially during a time of grief they might feel afraid, too depressed or not motivated enough to ask. Make a concerted effort to offer specific assistance with everyday tasks. By being proactive, you make it easier for the individual to accept your offer.

What type of things should I offer to help with?
Offer practical assistance that will either help them handle everyday chore or provide an outlet to help deal with their grief.

  •    Shop for groceries or run errands
  •    Help with housework and laundry
  •    Babysit or shuttle children to school events and activities
  •    Attend a support group or meeting with them
  •    Take them on a walk
  •    Enjoy lunch or a movie together
  •    Suggest activities to share that will help shift the person’s thoughts to something else


How long should I continue to offer help?
A person’s grief continues long after the funeral is over and the hustle and bustle of surrounding family is gone. There is no exact length of time for grieving, and all of us struggle with our emotions for varying amounts of time. To be the most help, prepare to provide ongoing support so that the person knows someone is there for them after the sympathy cards and flowers have stopped arriving. Remember to offer extra support on special days—holidays, anniversaries, etc.

How do I know if their behavior is a normal part of grieving?
We need to allow mourners to move through the grieving process at their own pace, but it is important to watch for warning signs that may indicate that a person is not accepting the loss or is moving into a more serious problem such as clinical depression.

If it has been more than two months since the loss, and the person is still experiencing symptoms such as difficulty functioning in daily life, extreme bitterness or hopeless, alcohol or drug use or neglecting personal hygiene among others, it may be time to encourage them to seek professional help in order to regain control of their life.

The Basics Of Death Certificates Explained

20 Feb, 2024
Most people don’t give much thought to death certificates until they have a death in the family. A death certificate is the permanent legal record needed to prove that a person has actually died.

You Can Still Find Reasons To Give Thanks During Thanksgiving

13 Oct, 2023
Bring their memory to the table Serve up a tasty reminder by preparing some of your loved one’s favorite recipes. Give a Thanksgiving toast or prayer that acknowledges the role that they played in your family’s lives. Consider creating a centerpiece made up of mementos from their life for the table. Or go around the table and ask each person to share something they are grateful for about the person who has died. Do something together to honor their memory There are many Thanksgiving Day events that your family can participate in to honor your loved one’s memory. Sign up for a turkey trot or charity walk. Watch one of their favorite movies together. Attend a remembrance service. Donate food or money in their name. Help to serve a Thanksgiving meal to families in need. Continue to share your memories Every family has their favorite stories and memories that they tell that highlight the unique personalities of each member. Be sure to continue sharing your memories and reminisce about those that you have lost. Whether it’s at the dinner table or during the football game, simply talking about your loved one is often what we need most after a loss. Accept that this Thanksgiving will be different. Try to find the balance between moments of grief and moments of joy. Listen to your intuition and only do what you can manage. Taking care of yourself is the most important thing. Grief is hard and tiring. Get plenty of sleep and give yourself permission to let in some joy this Thanksgiving.

Why You Need To Keep Beneficiary Designations Up To Date

13 Oct, 2023
Who can be a beneficiary? In most cases, people name their spouse, children or someone who financially depends on them as beneficiaries. A beneficiary can also be a sibling, other family member, friend, charity or trust. There are two types of beneficiaries: primary and contingent. If the primary beneficiary is deceased, then the asset goes to the contingent beneficiary. Why is it important to designate beneficiaries? Beneficiary designations take effect immediately after death. Because of this, they override any instructions that may be in a will regarding the distribution of assets. Having beneficiaries named on an account circumvents the probate process and helps ensure that assets can be transferred to heirs without delay. Even if you write a legal will leaving the assets to another person, whoever is listed as the beneficiary on your accounts is the person who will inherit. Matching beneficiary designations with provisions in your will can ensure that your wishes are followed properly. Retirement account beneficiaries Even changing your job can necessitate updating your beneficiary. If you roll over your retirement account, make sure that the account lists the correct beneficiaries. Previous beneficiary designations generally will not automatically move with your assets. Provisions for beneficiaries vary from plan to plan and state law — some of which automatically eliminate former spouses as beneficiaries. However, for many employer-sponsored retirement plans, such as 401(k) plans, these laws do not apply. A cautionary tale Suppose you married in your twenties, had two children and set up a life insurance policy, naming your then-spouse as beneficiary. Fifteen years later, you have divorced and remarried, and now, you have a child with your new partner. If you never updated your beneficiaries on your life insurance policy, your ex-spouse would inherit, leaving no proceeds for your current spouse or any of your three children. Take the time now to check that beneficiary information on your accounts is accurate and up to date. Updating your beneficiaries is simple, usually requiring filling out paperwork or making changes online. DISCLAIMER: Individual circumstances and state laws vary. Only undertake estate planning with the help and assistance of an attorney licensed in your state. If you need advice about designating your beneficiaries, talk to an attorney or estate planner to help ensure your final wishes are carried out.

Make Arrangements In Advance Online

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Brain Fog – A Physical Response To Grief

21 Apr, 2023
One of the more common physical symptoms of grief is “brain fog.” Brain fog happens because your body interprets grief as trauma and begins to shut down to protect itself.
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What To Expect When Preplanning A Funeral

21 Apr, 2023
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How to Help a Coworker Who is Experiencing Grief

22 Feb, 2023
Consoling a member of your family or close friends over the loss of a loved one can be difficult, but figuring out how to acknowledge that same kind of loss to a coworker or employee adds another layer of complexity. With family and friends whom you have a close relationship, you have the benefit of knowing that person and how you might help them manage their grief. You may not have that same level of familiarity with coworkers. A first step for managers or supervisors of someone who has experienced a loss is to make sure that your employee is aware of how the company (and you) can support them during their time of grief. Make sure that they know about the company's bereavement policy and any human resources support that are in place. In addition, let them know that you are aware that grief can have an impact on their ability to think clearly and perform their job duties. Flexibility is key to helping them. Everyone has struggled to manage the demands of work at one time or another. On average, U.S. employees receive four days of paid leave. Returning to work in such a short period of time can be challenging. Considering that the very real physical symptoms of grief, including ‘brain fog’ and loss of energy can decrease work productivity, coworkers can help by offering to assist them with some of their duties. Coworkers can also support grieving people by acknowledging their loss in person, with a note, or email. Whatever method you chose, it’s important to acknowledge their loss in some way. Remember to keep it simple. Avoid cliches about ‘being in a better place’ or giving advice. If you talk with them, don’t ask about details of the death, which can be upsetting. Simply listening is the best thing you can do. Don’t be tempted to share your stories of loss. Now is not the time to focus on your experience. It’s time to support someone else along their journey. If you don’t know your coworker well, be observant and take your cues from them. Judging as best you can when they are open to talking or when they prefer privacy. Most importantly, give them the time they need to deal with their loss. Grief doesn’t just magically disappear in few weeks or month. It ebbs and flows for a long time, sometimes even years. So, remember to periodically check back in with your coworker to see how they are managing their grief. 

The Abbotts: Father And Daughter Funeral Directors

25 Oct, 2022
Aaron Abbott’s first experience with funeral homes was when his father worked part time at a funeral home in their community. Aaron and his brother would help with services and doing removals. Before long he realized that being a funeral director was something he wanted to pursue as a career. After high school, Aaron got his bachelor’s degree from Penn State University and went on to graduate from the Pittsburgh Institute of Mortuary Science. He joined the Buch Family of Funeral Homes in 2002. Over the last several decades, Aaron has benefitted from having Ted Beck as a mentor and now Aaron is passing that learning legacy along to his daughter who works alongside of him. Allissa earned her funeral directors license in 2019. Growing up, Allissa was always aware of the sacrifices her father made to be a funeral director. “As kids, we always knew that when the phone rang, it meant that dad was going to work,” she said. “No matter what time of day or night. At one point, when my brother was little, he took to hiding the car keys whenever the phone rang because he didn’t want dad to leave.” “We always took two cars wherever we went,” explained Aaron. “That way I could always leave if I got a call. Thankfully, we have several funeral directors to share the workload, so I was still able to coach and attend the kid’s events when they were growing up.” Her friends at school wanted to know why her father always wore a business suit, not matter where he was. Allissa explained that he was an undertaker. Her answer confused the schoolkids even more because the only “undertaker” they knew about was a WWE professional wrestler. Every year in November, the Buch Family of Funeral Homes offers a Holiday Grief Support program. When she was around fourteen, Allissa started helping out with the event, greeting people and interacting with the public. “I realized that being a funeral director was not all sad and weird stuff,” recalled Allissa. “I like interacting with people and I also get to use the science side of my brain. Every day is different. We’re always thinking ahead and planning for contingencies in case something doesn’t go as planned.” “Allissa has always been very mature for her age,” said Aaron. “Her growing up around a funeral home really helped her get up to speed when she was studying to become a funeral director. I think the hardest part after she became a licensed director was when she first started meeting with families. She had the same problem I did when I started. We look very young. So, folks would wonder when the funeral director was going to show up.” “I followed the same guidance that Ted gave me when I was starting out,” continued Aaron. “I let her know I had the confidence in her to let her handle it on her own, without looking over her shoulder. She’s smart and will do a good job to establish trust with the families we serve.” Now, after twenty years, Aaron has become a shareholder and serves as Chief Executive Officer for the funeral homes. Just as Allissa is learning new skills, Aaron is gaining a better understanding of the business side of things. “We’ve got a good system in place,” said Aaron. “I have a good teacher in Ted and my goal is to pass what I’ve learned along to Allissa, so that the next generation at the Buch Family of Funeral Homes can continue to serve our community.”

Ted Beck Celebrates Forty Years Of Service

25 Oct, 2022
This year marks forty years that Ted Beck, of the Buch Family of Funeral Homes, has been a licensed funeral director. Ted is a seventh-generation funeral director and grew up living above the funeral home that his father ran. “I have such vivid childhood memories of growing up in the funeral home,” said Ted. “The smell of flowers brings it all back for me. Even as kids we had a part to play and knew that we had to be quiet when there was a service going on downstairs. It was also our job to set up the chairs before each service and then take them down afterward,” he remembered. “There were two ways that you always knew there was going to be a service that evening. One was the wreath on the funeral home front door and the other is that we had chicken livers on toast for dinner. I guess that was a quick, easy meal for my mother to get ready.” “It was not a busy business. My dad did maybe 35 or 40 services a year and he did insurance and other things as well,” recalled Ted. “When I graduated from high school, I didn’t really see a future in funeral service, so I went to Kutztown State University and got my degree in education. After I graduated, I started out teaching social studies and geography at Twin Valley Middle School. Teaching was not personally rewarding for me and funeral service was always in the back of my mind.” While in Bethlehem, Ted decided to go to Northampton Community College to study mortuary science. At the same time, he began working for a large funeral home in the area. “My family will tell you that I’m a helper. They tease me that I’m always helping strangers, but I care about people,” said Ted. “Helping people and having every day be different is what brings me joy, even during the long days.” Between going to school and working, Ted was very busy. The family-owned funeral home in Bethlehem did almost 250 services a year. Living in an apartment above the funeral home, he was responsible for doing removals, embalming, helping with services and being the 24-hour answering service. Ted said the experience was invaluable because he had the opportunity to learn about all different religious and cultural funeral traditions. Two years after he earned his funeral directors license, Ted wanted to find a funeral home where he and his wife, Connie could realize their dream of owning a business. “In 1984, Connie and I came to Manheim to meet with John Buch and his wife to discuss me coming to work for him,” explained Ted. “As soon as he greeted us, I knew this was the right place for me. I never thought I could be more invested in a community than the one I grew up in. But the people in this area are so genuine and care about family. I’ve formed great friendships and have such a bond with the community.” “I’m very proud to be a part of the team that has served this community over the past 40 years. There’s a satisfaction knowing that what we do makes a difference,” explained Ted. “I’m glad to now be in a position to mentor Aaron the same way that John Buch helped me. I have complete confidence Aaron is going to continue our great legacy.”

How Traditions & Rituals Help Ease Our Grief

13 Apr, 2022
Traditions and rituals help us to express our deepest thoughts about life’s most significant events. Special ceremonies like graduations, weddings, and christenings include traditions and rituals that help us mark important life milestones. These same traditions help start the healing process, when a loved one dies.  Rituals provide an outlet for expressing our deepest emotions, when words are not enough. Rituals also bring people together in a shared experience. Funerals, visitations and memorials help us feel a solidarity with others who are sharing our grief and loss. They provide a sense of comfort in knowing that we are not alone in our grief. Once the funeral is over, how can we incorporate the benefit of rituals into our healing journey? Here are a few suggestions of rituals that might be helpful: Recall memories – Family and friends may choose to gather on special occasions to share memories and honor a loved one. Honor their lives – If your loved one had a special place in their heart for something unique, then spend time volunteering or help support organizations that benefit the causes that mattered to them. Visit the grave – Some people who grieve find comfort in visiting the grave of their loved one, leaving fresh flowers, or simply spending time reflecting on the loss. Carry a remembrance item – Sometimes a small keepsake, like a watch, a piece of jewelry, or a small heirloom can serve as a reminder of a lost loved one. Don’t limit yourself to these suggestions. Feel free to explore other ways of remembering your loved ones.
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