Articles Of Interest

Nov 30, 2020

7 Ways To Create New Traditions After Loss

Family traditions and rituals are sacred events. Whether family reunions, religious gatherings, the holidays or family-famous treats, they are all important. These traditions aren’t something you do every day or that are programmed in your mind as an automatic reaction. You choose to do them because they were created with love and meaning to bind your family together. It is the sentiment behind them that make traditions so important.

So what happens when you lose an integral part of that tradition? After losing a loved one you may need to modify or skip those traditions completely. It is evident when the tradition comes around that things are not going to be the same. You may be tempted to try to keep things exactly as they were before to maintain the sense of safety and security you felt before losing your loved one. You may feel like if you change or skip the tradition, you are just as much abandoning that time in your life when your loved one was still alive. Either reaction is fine – the most important thing to do is acknowledge things are going to be different.

Here are just a few suggestions on how to remain positive, keep those traditions alive or start new traditions:



1. Start with small rituals.

Tradition is something that binds families together and makes them feel safe and comfortable. Changing those traditions can be incredibly scary, especially after the passing of a loved one. You may be afraid that change means you are letting go or forgetting about the traditions your loved one held so dearly or was a big part of. But upholding major family traditions can be difficult, especially after a recent loss. If that’s the case, don’t overlook the value of your family’s small rituals. Those weekly phone calls to mom while you’re away at college or those weekly dinners at Grandma’s house are just as important as the big holiday family get-togethers.

By focusing on those small connections with your family, you will be better equipped to handle larger scale events, such as the first holiday season after the losing a loved one. So, start with something small. Take a break from your schedule to sit down and have coffee with Dad, see a movie with your sister or even pick up the phone and tell Mom about your week. It’s likely they are experiencing grief as well, and processing it together can be a helpful step in the healing process. Those small rituals may not seem like much, but they are the start of a stronger family bond.


2. Accept that change is perfectly okay.


If you decide to make changes to your family traditions, keep in mind that it is okay. Change is a natural part of life - family traditions change all the time. I guarantee that some, if not all, of your family traditions have been tweaked or changed in some aspect over the years for some reason or another – your sister Jill moved across the country or Grandpa Jack is now in a retirement home. Every tradition adapts to the changing dynamics in a family and your family adapts in response. While the adjustment to a family member passing may require a bigger transition, it is important to be open to the change and accept it for what it is – a new opportunity to create stronger family bonds and traditions.


3. Think of change as an opportunity.


It can be easy to view change in a negative light, knowing tradition won’t be the same without your loved one involved. But, instead of going into holidays, family reunions or celebrations with a cloud over your head, think of them as opportunities to remember your loved one and celebrate his life with the people who knew him best. It will be difficult and unfamiliar at first, but it is also a chance to remind the family why you are really here, what brings the family together. If they had a favorite holiday, consider holding a memorial service during your celebration.


4. Keep in mind the meaning behind your traditions.


In most situations, a family tradition is done to bond the family in a safe and comfortable environment. But sometimes, traditions are done just for the sake of tradition. For example, Grandma Betty may have started the annual door-to-door Christmas carols that the whole family partakes in, but now, Grandma Betty is gone. The whole family still carries on the tradition, but you dread going door-to-door every year because you always get stuck standing next to Uncle Dave who is incredibly tone deaf. Say you skip out on this year’s caroling because you want to avoid the humiliation and think you have better things to do. You stay home and hear from Cousin Sarah that Uncle Dave tried to hit the high note in Joy to the World. When all of the dogs in the neighborhood started barking, the family couldn’t finish the song because they were laughing so hard.

Sometimes, those family traditions that may not be your favorite do a lot more than simply forcing you to do things as a family. They help you create lasting memories with your loved ones. When you consider changes following the death of a loved one, keep that goal in mind. You might not feel up to caroling this year, but you can still find other ways to connect with your family.


5. Remember that traditions don’t have to be perfect.


It is understandable that after your family suffers a loss of a loved one, you want everything to be perfect, no glitches at the next family reunion or Thanksgiving. You want to prove to yourself and to your family that you can still go on and function despite the loss you have suffered. But keep in mind that your family event won’t feel perfect without your loved one – and that’s okay. Think back to your family events. Which one was more memorable: the time that the turkey was perfectly carved and everyone sat around in their Sunday best, or the time that you had to order Chinese because Dad tried to deep fry the turkey and it took off like a rocket?

It is those perfectly imperfect events that are the most memorable. Building those memories and establishing those bonds will create a stronger and more secure environment to deal with loss and grief.


6. Don’t ignore the absence.


Sometimes, when a loss occurs it feels easier to pretend like nothing’s changed. But what seems like a good coping mechanism can easily turn into the big elephant in the middle of Christmas dinner. There are a couple of different ways you can combat this. For example, if you are at a family reunion shortly after someone in the family dies, consider setting a place for them, incorporating their favorite dish or flower or releasing balloons in their memory.

It is healthy to acknowledge the passing of a loved one and could be easier when in the company of family. It can bring up old memories of your loved one that can be talked about as part of the healing process. Sharing memories in meaningful ways may even turn into a new tradition.


7. Plan ahead and be prepared.


As tough as it may be, it is important that you sit down and have a conversation with the family about how traditions may change after a loved one’s passing. By planning for the changes, you can help create realistic expectations which can have a positive impact on the rest of the family. They are more likely to have a more rational response if they have had time to prepare and react to the changes. You won’t be surprised when Grandma Betty’s potato salad won’t be making an appearance at the next family picnic because you’ve talked about it in advance. Maybe this year you decide to have everyone bring their favorite potato salad recipe and hold a taste-test to decide who will be responsible for making it for future gatherings.

While this is a relatively small example, the same approach can be applied to more significant changes to tradition.

20 Feb, 2024
Most people don’t give much thought to death certificates until they have a death in the family. A death certificate is the permanent legal record needed to prove that a person has actually died.
13 Oct, 2023
Bring their memory to the table Serve up a tasty reminder by preparing some of your loved one’s favorite recipes. Give a Thanksgiving toast or prayer that acknowledges the role that they played in your family’s lives. Consider creating a centerpiece made up of mementos from their life for the table. Or go around the table and ask each person to share something they are grateful for about the person who has died. Do something together to honor their memory There are many Thanksgiving Day events that your family can participate in to honor your loved one’s memory. Sign up for a turkey trot or charity walk. Watch one of their favorite movies together. Attend a remembrance service. Donate food or money in their name. Help to serve a Thanksgiving meal to families in need. Continue to share your memories Every family has their favorite stories and memories that they tell that highlight the unique personalities of each member. Be sure to continue sharing your memories and reminisce about those that you have lost. Whether it’s at the dinner table or during the football game, simply talking about your loved one is often what we need most after a loss. Accept that this Thanksgiving will be different. Try to find the balance between moments of grief and moments of joy. Listen to your intuition and only do what you can manage. Taking care of yourself is the most important thing. Grief is hard and tiring. Get plenty of sleep and give yourself permission to let in some joy this Thanksgiving.
13 Oct, 2023
Who can be a beneficiary? In most cases, people name their spouse, children or someone who financially depends on them as beneficiaries. A beneficiary can also be a sibling, other family member, friend, charity or trust. There are two types of beneficiaries: primary and contingent. If the primary beneficiary is deceased, then the asset goes to the contingent beneficiary. Why is it important to designate beneficiaries? Beneficiary designations take effect immediately after death. Because of this, they override any instructions that may be in a will regarding the distribution of assets. Having beneficiaries named on an account circumvents the probate process and helps ensure that assets can be transferred to heirs without delay. Even if you write a legal will leaving the assets to another person, whoever is listed as the beneficiary on your accounts is the person who will inherit. Matching beneficiary designations with provisions in your will can ensure that your wishes are followed properly. Retirement account beneficiaries Even changing your job can necessitate updating your beneficiary. If you roll over your retirement account, make sure that the account lists the correct beneficiaries. Previous beneficiary designations generally will not automatically move with your assets. Provisions for beneficiaries vary from plan to plan and state law — some of which automatically eliminate former spouses as beneficiaries. However, for many employer-sponsored retirement plans, such as 401(k) plans, these laws do not apply. A cautionary tale Suppose you married in your twenties, had two children and set up a life insurance policy, naming your then-spouse as beneficiary. Fifteen years later, you have divorced and remarried, and now, you have a child with your new partner. If you never updated your beneficiaries on your life insurance policy, your ex-spouse would inherit, leaving no proceeds for your current spouse or any of your three children. Take the time now to check that beneficiary information on your accounts is accurate and up to date. Updating your beneficiaries is simple, usually requiring filling out paperwork or making changes online. DISCLAIMER: Individual circumstances and state laws vary. Only undertake estate planning with the help and assistance of an attorney licensed in your state. If you need advice about designating your beneficiaries, talk to an attorney or estate planner to help ensure your final wishes are carried out.
26 Sep, 2023
You can preplan from the comfort of your home
women experiencing brain fot
21 Apr, 2023
One of the more common physical symptoms of grief is “brain fog.” Brain fog happens because your body interprets grief as trauma and begins to shut down to protect itself.
couple preplanning their funeral
21 Apr, 2023
Preplanning is not complicated. It usually takes about an hour of your time. There are several components to making funeral arrangements.
22 Feb, 2023
Consoling a member of your family or close friends over the loss of a loved one can be difficult, but figuring out how to acknowledge that same kind of loss to a coworker or employee adds another layer of complexity. With family and friends whom you have a close relationship, you have the benefit of knowing that person and how you might help them manage their grief. You may not have that same level of familiarity with coworkers. A first step for managers or supervisors of someone who has experienced a loss is to make sure that your employee is aware of how the company (and you) can support them during their time of grief. Make sure that they know about the company's bereavement policy and any human resources support that are in place. In addition, let them know that you are aware that grief can have an impact on their ability to think clearly and perform their job duties. Flexibility is key to helping them. Everyone has struggled to manage the demands of work at one time or another. On average, U.S. employees receive four days of paid leave. Returning to work in such a short period of time can be challenging. Considering that the very real physical symptoms of grief, including ‘brain fog’ and loss of energy can decrease work productivity, coworkers can help by offering to assist them with some of their duties. Coworkers can also support grieving people by acknowledging their loss in person, with a note, or email. Whatever method you chose, it’s important to acknowledge their loss in some way. Remember to keep it simple. Avoid cliches about ‘being in a better place’ or giving advice. If you talk with them, don’t ask about details of the death, which can be upsetting. Simply listening is the best thing you can do. Don’t be tempted to share your stories of loss. Now is not the time to focus on your experience. It’s time to support someone else along their journey. If you don’t know your coworker well, be observant and take your cues from them. Judging as best you can when they are open to talking or when they prefer privacy. Most importantly, give them the time they need to deal with their loss. Grief doesn’t just magically disappear in few weeks or month. It ebbs and flows for a long time, sometimes even years. So, remember to periodically check back in with your coworker to see how they are managing their grief. 
25 Oct, 2022
Aaron Abbott’s first experience with funeral homes was when his father worked part time at a funeral home in their community. Aaron and his brother would help with services and doing removals. Before long he realized that being a funeral director was something he wanted to pursue as a career. After high school, Aaron got his bachelor’s degree from Penn State University and went on to graduate from the Pittsburgh Institute of Mortuary Science. He joined the Buch Family of Funeral Homes in 2002. Over the last several decades, Aaron has benefitted from having Ted Beck as a mentor and now Aaron is passing that learning legacy along to his daughter who works alongside of him. Allissa earned her funeral directors license in 2019. Growing up, Allissa was always aware of the sacrifices her father made to be a funeral director. “As kids, we always knew that when the phone rang, it meant that dad was going to work,” she said. “No matter what time of day or night. At one point, when my brother was little, he took to hiding the car keys whenever the phone rang because he didn’t want dad to leave.” “We always took two cars wherever we went,” explained Aaron. “That way I could always leave if I got a call. Thankfully, we have several funeral directors to share the workload, so I was still able to coach and attend the kid’s events when they were growing up.” Her friends at school wanted to know why her father always wore a business suit, not matter where he was. Allissa explained that he was an undertaker. Her answer confused the schoolkids even more because the only “undertaker” they knew about was a WWE professional wrestler. Every year in November, the Buch Family of Funeral Homes offers a Holiday Grief Support program. When she was around fourteen, Allissa started helping out with the event, greeting people and interacting with the public. “I realized that being a funeral director was not all sad and weird stuff,” recalled Allissa. “I like interacting with people and I also get to use the science side of my brain. Every day is different. We’re always thinking ahead and planning for contingencies in case something doesn’t go as planned.” “Allissa has always been very mature for her age,” said Aaron. “Her growing up around a funeral home really helped her get up to speed when she was studying to become a funeral director. I think the hardest part after she became a licensed director was when she first started meeting with families. She had the same problem I did when I started. We look very young. So, folks would wonder when the funeral director was going to show up.” “I followed the same guidance that Ted gave me when I was starting out,” continued Aaron. “I let her know I had the confidence in her to let her handle it on her own, without looking over her shoulder. She’s smart and will do a good job to establish trust with the families we serve.” Now, after twenty years, Aaron has become a shareholder and serves as Chief Executive Officer for the funeral homes. Just as Allissa is learning new skills, Aaron is gaining a better understanding of the business side of things. “We’ve got a good system in place,” said Aaron. “I have a good teacher in Ted and my goal is to pass what I’ve learned along to Allissa, so that the next generation at the Buch Family of Funeral Homes can continue to serve our community.”
25 Oct, 2022
This year marks forty years that Ted Beck, of the Buch Family of Funeral Homes, has been a licensed funeral director. Ted is a seventh-generation funeral director and grew up living above the funeral home that his father ran. “I have such vivid childhood memories of growing up in the funeral home,” said Ted. “The smell of flowers brings it all back for me. Even as kids we had a part to play and knew that we had to be quiet when there was a service going on downstairs. It was also our job to set up the chairs before each service and then take them down afterward,” he remembered. “There were two ways that you always knew there was going to be a service that evening. One was the wreath on the funeral home front door and the other is that we had chicken livers on toast for dinner. I guess that was a quick, easy meal for my mother to get ready.” “It was not a busy business. My dad did maybe 35 or 40 services a year and he did insurance and other things as well,” recalled Ted. “When I graduated from high school, I didn’t really see a future in funeral service, so I went to Kutztown State University and got my degree in education. After I graduated, I started out teaching social studies and geography at Twin Valley Middle School. Teaching was not personally rewarding for me and funeral service was always in the back of my mind.” While in Bethlehem, Ted decided to go to Northampton Community College to study mortuary science. At the same time, he began working for a large funeral home in the area. “My family will tell you that I’m a helper. They tease me that I’m always helping strangers, but I care about people,” said Ted. “Helping people and having every day be different is what brings me joy, even during the long days.” Between going to school and working, Ted was very busy. The family-owned funeral home in Bethlehem did almost 250 services a year. Living in an apartment above the funeral home, he was responsible for doing removals, embalming, helping with services and being the 24-hour answering service. Ted said the experience was invaluable because he had the opportunity to learn about all different religious and cultural funeral traditions. Two years after he earned his funeral directors license, Ted wanted to find a funeral home where he and his wife, Connie could realize their dream of owning a business. “In 1984, Connie and I came to Manheim to meet with John Buch and his wife to discuss me coming to work for him,” explained Ted. “As soon as he greeted us, I knew this was the right place for me. I never thought I could be more invested in a community than the one I grew up in. But the people in this area are so genuine and care about family. I’ve formed great friendships and have such a bond with the community.” “I’m very proud to be a part of the team that has served this community over the past 40 years. There’s a satisfaction knowing that what we do makes a difference,” explained Ted. “I’m glad to now be in a position to mentor Aaron the same way that John Buch helped me. I have complete confidence Aaron is going to continue our great legacy.”
13 Apr, 2022
Traditions and rituals help us to express our deepest thoughts about life’s most significant events. Special ceremonies like graduations, weddings, and christenings include traditions and rituals that help us mark important life milestones. These same traditions help start the healing process, when a loved one dies.  Rituals provide an outlet for expressing our deepest emotions, when words are not enough. Rituals also bring people together in a shared experience. Funerals, visitations and memorials help us feel a solidarity with others who are sharing our grief and loss. They provide a sense of comfort in knowing that we are not alone in our grief. Once the funeral is over, how can we incorporate the benefit of rituals into our healing journey? Here are a few suggestions of rituals that might be helpful: Recall memories – Family and friends may choose to gather on special occasions to share memories and honor a loved one. Honor their lives – If your loved one had a special place in their heart for something unique, then spend time volunteering or help support organizations that benefit the causes that mattered to them. Visit the grave – Some people who grieve find comfort in visiting the grave of their loved one, leaving fresh flowers, or simply spending time reflecting on the loss. Carry a remembrance item – Sometimes a small keepsake, like a watch, a piece of jewelry, or a small heirloom can serve as a reminder of a lost loved one. Don’t limit yourself to these suggestions. Feel free to explore other ways of remembering your loved ones.
More Posts
Share by: